feeling much?

It's so weird to have a memmory of a feeling/emotion, and have no idea where its from. or why you are having that flashback.
its so odd to think that there are that many different variations of the same emotion that you can evenhave memmories attached to ONE specific feeling.
ITS SO WEIRD!

the last few days i have been thinking alot obout my life in colton.
ive been remembering the people and plcaes, and all the times i had there with them AT thoes places ;) .

i remember summers where all we would do is have pool partys everyday with the neighbors or as many people as we could pile in, playing water vollyball and singing songs all the time. *hearts*

i remember waking up with swollen eyes from my REDICULES alergies and lack of motivation to prevent such things. haha....

i remember the best day of my week would be sunday. i remember things that week all leading up to sunday everything. i remember waking up on sunday mornings and being so excited to go to church and see everyone there. i remember learning so much from the people i was around.
i remember my first day at TVBC i was so nervous. i haddnt had any friends in a couple years... and i was scared i wouldnt be recived very well.. but i met someone. who met someone. and then i formed lifelong friendships.. IM EVEN GNA BE IN ONE OF THEIR WEDDINGS THIS SEPTEMBER!
a lot of things have happened since thoes days. and it makes me sad to feel the same emotions as i did all that time. its good emotion...definatly not sad memmories. just. sad that i can never have back what i once had.
"it is better to have loved and lost, than to have lived a life alone."
im so sad to have lost so many wonderful people.

'Timothy Barrow
Becky Bryan
Grandpa David
Norman Bryan
Grant Schnider
Grandpa Norman'

all of these people i knew at one time in the last 5 years. three to old age, two to tragic and terrible accidents, and one to cancer. i hate that i am here when they arent. i dont know why i get to live with their memmories. i dont know why i have to stay and they get to leave. i dont know why we didnt have more time. i was close to them and i love and miss them all a lot.
its very odd to be feeling things you thought you had felt for the last time, the first time you felt them. but i suppose with every odd thing there is a good and normal thing hiding behind it.

its a good thing that people come and go in your life. whether it be their choice or not. to move on and grow is a good thing...I just wish that people where as devoted and willing to stick around as they claim to be. i wish that we never had to lose someone we love. to death or life.or rather. i wish life and death would choose not to take them from me. i used to invest so much of myself into people. i used to litterally be absolutly 100% involved in everything. thats how i like it to be. but i dont do that anymore. betrayal and loss have hardened my heart so much that i cant be that way. i dont know how to let my guard down completly anymore. and i hate that about myself. i want to again be able to completly surrender to the people around me. i want to be everything they need. i want to be the one they call in the middle of the night with a real need to even just a question that is keeping them up... i once was that person.
maybe its not so much that i have changed in that aspect. maybe its that people dont need me anymore. ....thats such a stupid thing to miss... but i do. i miss being needed. i miss having a place in the chain. i miss knowing that somewhere someone knew they had that one person they could count on no matter what. i miss my life...
silly emotions. why would anyone want to feel anything at all in the firstplace anyways ;)